"I'm on call at The Stanhope Arms much of the time. You'll see me on the edge of the bar. If you're feeling a little out of sorts, come up to me and say 'Hi! I've identified you as Doctor Vic!" then you can buy me a pint of IPA. I've got a nice jumper on most of the time, I have a collection of 200 worn by Val Doonican. This helps to put people at ease with me, because theres always a chance I could start crooning 'Elusive Butterfly of love' which most people like. Anyway, why was I selected as the Stanhope's Doctor Vic when I'm not a Doctor? Well my name really is Vic and because I look like one. I have a friendly face, good banter, nice manners and nice glasses. (Not really..Ed.)
People feel they can tell me anything, well thats ok. thats fine, but be warned: I might tell a few other people. I'm not very discreet. It is
what it is, I'm afraid, because I haven't signed anything charter wise.
If you have any private problems I'm not too hot on those either, I do start laughing..particularly If anybody uses the words 'Muffle sticks', 'Don't utilise my Uterus as a way cracking nuts' 'Stankle Areas of Herring' 'Limple Lobbels' or 'Scent of the crapping crab'. All these have been overheard in my surgery, honestly, you'd laugh too. Anyway, here's my charter. I live and die by these rules:. I'll see you in the surgery"
1. Never give sound advice. You'll only get the blame in the end.
2. Always write things people can't read. then you cnt b blaymed.
3. Treat people badly until you know them.
4. Optics aren't the same as Opticals. Try getting a brandy out of an Optical.
5. 'Get away from my hairy area' I once heard at a Mini Cab counselling session. It does mean what you think, as it was uttered after a very heavy desperate looking lady made a lunge at a young bloke on the switch.
6. Finally, don't cut anyone any slack. They'll only hang you with it.